I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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