I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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