Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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