if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
