I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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