Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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