3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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