Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
