literally had 100 drinks last night.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
i think my cat just said my name.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
