Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
did i walk over a car last night?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
