Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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