I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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