Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
