and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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