did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
