the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
