can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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