i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
