Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
