STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Randomize
