remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
