Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
