Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
