I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
