My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
