I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
