That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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