Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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