I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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