i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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