ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
