Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
