too bad you live with your parents still
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
