last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
