i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
