I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
