I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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