Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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