I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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