Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
