I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
