Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
