I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Hippo gnu deer
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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