we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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