Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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