it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
