the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
