I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
