I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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