my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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