My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
