so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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