Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
